The big why or why not of life…
The other night in the midst of a 2 am convo with friends…okay…I can’t it was 9pm, but all 4 of us swore up and down that it had to be at least 2 am- Anyhow- my friend asked one of these profound questions that has rattled around in my brain. He asked, ” Why do we all feel this need to fill our life to the brim with accomplishments, tasks, and just really stuff.” It was more of a pondering than a question.
Isn’t it all really just stuff at the end of the day- or rather at the end of life.
It’s this stuff that I feel passionate about that frustrates me, that rattles around in my brain keeping my up at night to write at 2am because the enormity of living a mundane life filled with so many injustices just makes me feel like I cannot catch my breath. There are so many simple solutions to problems that we make very complex.
There are so many fallacies within a broken system. And right when the system does begin to work, we as people are so flawed that we come in and sabotage the good that there could be. It feels like an enormous amount of pressure to either check out or to get to work fixing it all.
It crashes in on me that I am the biggest part of the broken system of my life. I constantly steal my childrens simple solutions and make it all very complex because of some imaginary pressure that I have put on my shoulders. I haven’t always felt the pressures of society- and my life was actually much more meaningful than it looks to be now. I allow all of these ponderings and thoughts to swallow me completely. I can’t focus on the game of catch that my 6 year old wants to play because my thoughts are distracted by the injustices of the world.
It all just makes me begin to wonder if the good that comes from our lives is really just self fulfilling, because sometimes things change, but really the brokeness just keeps going around and around; it just looks different.
None of it really matters. That thought is depressing and liberating all at once.
It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t.
What does matter? Is it as simple as saying honoring God. It really may be, but how does honoring God show up in my life?! Is it self sacrificing and serving until I am depleted because those are the gifts that God gave to me so I must honor that life and walk through the difficulty…
Or, is that a complete lie that I tell myself to make my life hold some sort of unremarkable value.
The longer I think on this why the more I get the same corny answer….it’s love. It’s just love. Love for the big things like people, but also love for the little things like the sunlight coming through the trees, the smell of a candle, the song on my playlist, the movie that makes me laugh, it’s all in the details. The devil isn’t in the details…he is in the big picture that distracts each of us from the beautiful details.
None of it is real…it just all feels real. My goal is to not lose sight of the things that I love- thinking, talking, creating, being, enjoying, laughing, exploring, learning…and, yes even accomplishing. Accepting others where they are and myself right where I am. These are the things that I will fill my life without; despite the situation.
Despite the frustrating events…my eyes are focused on the details; we all get to decide do we check out, do we buy in, or do we simple refuse to do either.